Ramblings.

Honestly, I thought about lots of things cos I can't help but to make my mind suffer by thinking too much. I am that kind of person, likes to think too much even though I know it'll make my life even more complicated. There are some things that I hope I won't give more thoughts on it such as my appearance.

Regardless if a female is skinny or those whom are in plus size, all of them are fragile about their looks and I'm DEFINITELY one of them. I am soo insecure about my looks until it reached to a level which I locked myself in my room when there were guests at home or feeling too afraid of going outside just to prevent people from seeing me. Yeah, it may sound lunatic but that happened to me. I grew up with a 'cancerous' way of thinking which I think pretty much ruined some parts of my secondary/high school life. That kind of 'thinking' made my self confidence on a very low level or I would say my level of self confidence is NONE! Magazines, telly shows and movies all patronize skinny female girls whereas the 'fat' girls are left to be the humiliation object. This 'culture' has influenced the way I think as I grew up and now I feel very disgusted of myself for having the thought that 'fat' girls can't be as beautiful as those skinny models on the mags or skinny actresses, outwardly. 

Blaming the media mass alone would be unfair. I grew up in a society that criticize and comment on almost all the flaws that are existed to mankind. Holidays or festivities, those are the times when all the 'female relatives' would sit down together to 'chat'. Everybody will be the victim of cruel comments and I remember feeling so hurt when I became their target. And I also remember the anger that I have on them, those who humiliated me in front of people. They don't feel any remorse about it and I realized that they are the one whom I should feel sorry for, not about the way I look. I feel such pity for them for having such a 'tiny' brain and just think in a straight line, never have the ability to gaze upon the beauty in all the things that God had created.

As I grew older, I got different reviews from most people that I met. All of them would say either I'm cute or any phrase that related to good looking and it made me feel surreal cos before this, people that I know would've just tell straight me in the face that I'm fat or something like that. Receiving compliments especially about my looks are extremely hard for me to handle and in fact I wouldn't believe any of it, even the compliments are from my very own friends. It's like when a friend said to me that I look cute or what, I would straight away reply back 'No la.. Manada oh.. Saya yang begini ni ko ckp cute? Buta ka?' It means ' No, I'm not.. That's nothing.. I'm in this position and you're telling me I'm cute? Are you blind?'  I never been nice to myself and I would say that I'm the worst judge when it comes to my own body. I'm grateful for the compliments but accepting or agree to them, I don't know. I'm in the process of learning to love and respect all the beauty that I never thought I possess. There's one thing that is funny though about me which is I can see the beauty in other people but when it comes to me, I absolutely can't see any sorts of beauty in me.  

I hold on to a verse from the Bible if I don't like what I see when I look into the mirror and starting to judge myself again. "Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys the temple of God, God will destroy him. God's temple is holy, and you are his temple." 1 Corinthians 3:16-17

I love this verse cos it always remind me that God is in me all the time and if I judge myself, it means that I judge God too.