Validation of beauty, do you really need it ladies?

I've been wanting to post about this for the longest time but I was of course concern of the possibilities that I might hurt people's feelings regarding my thoughts on this particular topic. After saving it as a draft for so long, I finally decided to post it up although I would like everybody to know that from the bottom of my heart I absolutely have no intention whatsoever to butthurt nor to hurt anyone's feelings. It is just me, pouring out what's on my mind and in all seriousness though, no offense intended. But before I go to my main point, let me share with you how I perceived beauty when I was younger and as it evolves to how I see beauty now. 

1. A kid's perception on beauty

Growing up, I am always that type of girl who thinks that she is not pretty and beautiful because I have always been called 'the' chubby kid in class, 'the' chubbiest among friends, families. To sum it up, I was called 'the chubby girl' my entire childhood, adolescent even up until now. I get teased all the time by my friends and families because I was much chubbier than others and growing up in that environment was pretty hard, it has definitely affected my way of thinking and my perception of what beauty is, which someone can only be called as pretty or beautiful when the person is skinny and slim. So I had to go through childhood and my adolescent years with this sick perception of beauty, thinking that I can never be pretty like my skinny friends and families.

I am sharing with you this part of my past is not for you to feel pity of me, you see. I know how it is like not to be liked by people based on their judgement on my appearance and I'm not sorry that I was brought up in that way cos it will lead to my 2nd point. 

2.  Puberty started to kick in

When a girl has reached her adolescent years, attempts towards looking better take place ; experiments on make-up have become constant. I remember when I first started to use eyeliner when I was probably 14 or 15, wanting to have bigger eyes was my main goal at that time (and still is today) so that boys would notice me during Sunday class, just the teenage-me eager to have a boyfriend. But of course, no boys noticed. I went to an all-girls mission school for my secondary years so there are no boys at the school at all so it was even harder for me to get a boyfriend. But, the school's neighbour is La Salle Secondary School, an all-boys school except for the form 6 students. Back then, we would always wait for our school bus at the bus stop that is in the middle of both school for our school bus so that we could check out some boys and probably with hope that guys would notice us. But yours truly over here did not get her chance of getting notice and that's because she wasn't that attractive enough. Even when I got into form 6 in La Salle too I was unfortunate. That 1 and a half years in La Salle didn't get me any boyfriend.

3. Self beauty realisation!
I started not to care about getting a boyfriend is when I graduated from form 6, I furthered my study again and this time, to a university to get my bachelors degree. I must say that my university years has taught me a lot about life and actually to get to know more about myself. There is a saying that you will find yourself as you are going through your university / college, I must say that I absolutely agree to that. I stopped thinking about wanting guys to like me and I started to like and eventually love myself. I am not shy anymore and I started to smile more for camera. I went to a lot of road trips with my course mates and having so much fun. And not long after that, a guy noticed me, we got together and are still together, going strong until now.

So going on to my main part, self realisation of beauty is so important especially for girls like us and that's because there are so many definitions of beauty, your definition might be different than mine but it doesn't mean that both definitions are wrong. It's all depends on how we see beauty in ourselves, in things, in life.

Here comes the question, do we need validation of beauty?

In some ways, we do need it when it comes to us girls cos I believe that we are a delicate species that just love to be adored and of course, to be complimented especially based on how we look. To be frank, I am too love to get compliments although I still feel weird when people complimented me. I would be very shy and responded the compliment with an awkward thanks but it does made me all giddy inside and it will totally made my day, without a doubt. There are some girls that I know that are are very strong, they don't need to hear any compliments because they know they are beautiful. I tried to imagine myself living without getting compliments, I think I could but it would be hard cos all my life I always thought that I am the ugly duckling and not until recently that I discovered my ehem beauty, but the thought is not strong yet and my sense of insecurities are still there.

There are many ways that we can get this kind of validation but I think the easiest way is by getting it from the people you love. In my case, I always ask for validation from Joel the boyfriend. Once in a blue moon I would ask him if I am actually considered as beautiful. I know the question is silly and somehow makes you want to puke when you heard a girl asking a guy that but I really did asked Joel that. I don't ask him often, only when I feel insecure about myself. On a worst day, the question would be dragged on and on until I am truly satisfied with his answer. Good God bless his heart for putting up with me, even when I was being psychotic and paranoid.

And there are also a bunch of girls, in order to get the ultimate validation of their beauty, entered beauty pageant or unduk ngadau. It's actually brave for these girls to face judgements as they are to be judged not just on their looks but also some other things like poise, knowledge. It is not easy to smile to so many people infant of you and at the same time to maintain the smile to a point where you jaw might fall of because of the cramp from smiling too long. But what bugs me is those who kept entering beauty pageant as well as unduk ngadau year by year and even some of them entered several times in the same year. I mean I get that when you entered for the first time is for the experience and all but why do you need to keep entering and competing for the same shit over and over again that entering UN at your dad's hometown isn't enough and you just have to try your luck again at you mom's hometown?  Oh wait a sec, I saw your face again for other version of UN. I think they have this drive in them that they will not stop trying until they get the real deal, which is the title and the grand prize. But don't they feel that what they are doing indicate that they are so desperate of winning the title 'the fairest of them all'? What are they trying to prove anyway, does the title of Miss something or UN really validate that they are so beautiful? Confidence is essential to have in everybody but too much of it can cause so much bad than good.

What I am trying to say here is, it is good that we validate not just the beauty of things but also what lies beneath them. Beauty is not forever but a good heart and personality last eternity. I think it is vital that we give validation of beauty when we see something beautiful to us because there are times that we are too egoist to give validation to other people as I know that some people don't really give that kind of validation just because they are afraid that once they do, it meant that other people that are prettier or more beautiful than they are. I know that is strange that there are such people exist but trust me, they do walk among us.

So ladies, let us try harder to love ourselves, our flaws our weaknesses because that are among other things that made us who we are and we are so damn beautiful because of it!

au revoir,
jess

and the reasons are....

Hello all!! How are you my fellow readers?? That if I still have any. If you guys are wondering how am I doing so far, well all I can say is I'm doing fine. Still breathing and still fat in process of getting fit or healthy (the word that I prefer using). Yes, I'm still active with my zumba and I've conducted quite a few classes already although I still have no class that I teach permanently so I may say that I'm a freelance Zumba Instructor ZIN. In terms of personal stuff, I'm still with my boyfriend Joel and I can't stop thanking God for blessing our relationship.

I've been MIA since forever and I can't even believe that including this post, I only blogged twice this year??? Damn man, I am never this kind of person! So I decided to share some of the MAIN reasons why I don't blog that much anymore.

Here goes the reasons:-

1. Bad time management
I have this problem since the ice age! Lol just kidding. What I mean is I myself can't remember since when I have this problem and I think it has gotten worst when I get older. Delaying time is my forté and I'm sooo good at it. I like to delay time in so many things that I'm supposed to do and when I realized how much time I've wasted, I ran out of time and ended up doing nothing. I realized that I say too much kejap.. Kejap la.. Nanti la dulu.. And I know whenever I say those words, my mom will glance at me and feeling annoyed.

2. Too much procrastinate, wayyyyyy to many
I'm sure everybody procrastinates but I do it in a whole different level. I can say that procrastination has  taken over the time that I spare for all things that I used to love doing like reading, taking pictures and some other things that I want to experience. I believe that my procrastination is the culprit of my bad time management.

3. Not knowing what to do, sort of
This one is quite difficult to explain. Have you ever felt that you have so many spare time that you wanted to do something but you couldn't figure out what you want to do? Have you? To some people, they can choose by simply following their heart what they want to do and they stick with it. It totally differ in my case cos I'm indecisive. I have so many ideas of activities in my head but my indecisiveness makes it harder to pick that one thing I want to do and in the end I chose to procrastinate instead. tsk tsk tsk!

4. Psycho diri sendiri
I psycho myself? Direct translation much? Lol! But yes, I tend to do that A LOT! I think this is the main reason why I let go most of the things that I used to enjoy doing and that's why I don't blog as often as I used to. I lost my touch in producing quality post for my blog, that's what I told myself and hence the number of post is decreasing dramatically.

5. Think too much
Being a cancer (the zodiac, not the illness palis-palis jauh-jauh), I care pretty much about anything and the bad side of it is I can be very emotional when someone said bad things or criticize me. What if people don't like what I blog about? What if I have no readers that read my post anymore? What if I'm not good anymore? You see, all these 'what if....' has been eating me up to the point that I constantly judge myself and I have no mood in blogging. Hence the psycho-ing myself part above.


You all may say that I'm being overreacted or like we usually say it as talabih sudaaa and deep down I actually agree with you. I know that I have to take myself not too serious and just chill, go smell the flowers sort of. I've wasted so many times! I haven't even tick off any of my 2013 resolutions and half of the year has gone, ni kali la! I'm turning 24 this year but I'm still acting like a teenage that doesn't care about the future.

I seriously need to do more self searching so that I know what to improve about myself. I know all the solutions to all the problems that I've mentioned above and it is up to me to change myself to be better right?? One day at a time, Jess :)

Carpe Diem, one day I will get a taste of your real meaning...

of love and other things...

The much hyped about day that get people to be in the mood of celebrating love and become more romantic than usual has come to visit us again the day is none other than... Valentine's Day! Before this, I have always celebrated Valentine's day with my family and friends but not this this year. Joel is finally back for good for his practical and I am finally able to celebrate it with him. To be honest, I am having this butterflies and jitters just because it would our maiden Valentine's Day celebration together. I am excited to  be with him tomorrow despite texting each other every single day, we haven't seen each other for weeks. Well, he has been busy with work and had to go to kampung on the weekends.

I am not bragging about my love life, just so everyone knows. I can't help but to feel how grateful and blessed I am having to know him and I am glad that my family seem to have no problem that Joel and I are a couple. My friends are happy about us too, they even told me that Joel and I kinda look the same which a little funny to me but as they, couple that resembles each other, stays together.

Move on to other things shall we?

All good things will come to an end and by good thing I mean semester break. I have registered for the new semester and class will start probably by this week or next but I am having problems to register my final 3 subjects. And yes, I am now in my final semester before my internship. I just can't wait for my last semester to end! ( I go talking about semester ending but class hasn't ever started yet -__-) I collected my RM200 book voucher and I have spent half of it on 2 Haruki Murakami books, coloring book and stationaries for my younger siblings.

 South of The Border, West of The Sun

The Elephant Vanishes

I always wanted to read these 2 books and I have strikethrough them on my wishlist! I am a huge fan of Haruki Murakami after reading Norwegian Wood, which he wrote. 

So, I dyed my hair right before CNY. I am so bored of my black hair, obviously. And I dyed it brown. 

*Just ignore my chubby cheeks -_-

P/S:  Before I forget, Happy Valentine's Day from me to you! Much ♥ :)

“When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it." ― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

Here I am.

I'm bored, like extremely bored. Before sitting in front of this laptop of mine, I was in the living room. Flipped through all the channels that I have, but none is interesting enough to make me stay and watch. Major disappointment. *le sigh* So I went back in this room of mine but again, before I sat in front of this laptop, I looked on the mirror to check myself out. Extra chunks all over the place. Arms, thighs, belly, under the chin, you name it. Took of my glasses and checked my face closely, I have small blemishes. LOADS of 'em! eeee :\ And my naughty fingers started to 'pop' them out one by one. Again, eeee!!


So here I am, sitting in front of my laptop and I realized that I'm not on facebook as often as I used to. I probably have mentioned this in my previous posts and it made me think why I'm not an 'active' user anymore. Is it because facebook is getting boring and more boring every single day? Pretty much. I created my facebook account I think it was in 2009, just a little after I started my degree cos ALL of my coursemates have it. I owned a myspace account before cos it used to be sooo popular but that was history and facebook took control, so it triggered me to have myself a facebook account. I considered myself as late bloomer in facebook world cos I started out pretty late ( I have friends that was on facebook since 2007 and me in 2009, only 2 years apart but still LATE). Okay, I'm starting to get off track here, back to the main point. After almost 3 years of facebook, all I'm getting from it whenever I'm online just to check for updates is dull.

Boring = Dull

I find it weird that everytime if I'm at somewhere that offers free wifi and people are on their laptop, most of them are checking their facebook. This is a true story. I went to KKIA's post office to register as a legal voter, a few weeks after my birthday. So after all the paper works and shit, I've been registered and the process is actually quite fast cos I'm like the only one there. Next to the post office is another office, I think it's  a police station. I exited the post office and  there was a couple of female officers sitting at the front desk typing something on the keyboard and when I caught a glimpse of what's on their monitor, guess what. Yeah, it was facebook and if you guessed it correctly, you deserve yourself a pat on the back. Modern world and facebook goes hand in hand. It isn't that I'm over with facebook. I still have friends that are studying at different universities whom I'm close with and cousins on my friend list cos checking on their profiles is the easiest way to get to know how are they doing. Hence the status updates from people I don't know. Brrr! I tend to get quite annoyed when some people update their status almost every hour like what they're doing and other BS like that and seriously, do you have to tell every single fucking thing you do? I know people have the right to do so but come on, it's not like your 'friends' will give a shit on it, especially me.

Here's another thing that to me is disturbing. After spending most of my tender years on social network, I've made a formula about it.

Lots of friends = you're popular

If you've spent enough time on multiple social networks just like I do, you'll probably/definitely agree to this. This type of idealogy is sick! Just because you have more friends, that doesn't mean you're popular. Immature much? I bet you don't know 3/4 of them at all but you thought them as your friends. How lonely your life is. Pity pity, as if! 

Bah, cukup lah mengarut for today. Will be meeting the boyfriend later today, got to have my beauty sleep! *grins widely like the Grinch*

Is that so?

Read someone's status on facebook today. It isn't the first time that person posted that kind of status. 'macam malas mo balik sabah jak ne cuti...' and yes, those  are the person's exact words. IT means feeling a bit lazy to go home in Sabah. When I read that, I was wondering is that what the person truly felt while typing down all the words on the keyboard? Well of course he is or else he would've never post that status in the first place. Have I mentioned that it isn't the first time? Yeah, he posted that status previously some time ago. All I can say is if you really don't wanna come home this holiday which maybe you really want to then do it. Don't need to come home if you don't have the feeling to do so. Think what's best for you first before others. If others wants to see you so bad but if you don't want to, why bother? Do as you please then. Do what you want, satisfy your needs. People would understand why, I know I do.

So maybe this may 6th is cancel right? Okay, I'll just accept it then. Enjoy your 4 months holiday at where your are now. I'll try to enjoy mine without you too.

yours truly,

you don't even care xoxo

  

I sure will.

I'm not the best person to be with, I know that. I can be pretty annoying. I don't show how I truly feel cos I just don't and sometimes I'm very doubtable. I've been told that somehow I'm mischievous. Lazy and me go side by side. I tend to be hard headed at times and I'm hot tempered. When I'm mad, you should not get close to me cos you might get blew off. I have tons of flaws, I'm sure of that but still there are people who love me nonetheless. Maybe there are some things that made me lovable but I'm not so sure about that.


There might be some wonderings why I do this post and the reason is I just want to show some gratitude to those whom are crazy brave enough to love me and this does not include my family. ( It's their obligation to do so. haha) Close friends, best friends and boyfriend, you guys sure have the gut to even care and love me and I really appreciate that. I may not show my appreciation that much but in my heart, I really mean it. 


Flaws. Should there be any regrets about having them? Some agree and some may think the opposite. Flaws make us who we are. It would be better to have less of them or to change yourself to be a better person but of course, that choice may be a tough one to achieve cos like the old saying, old habits die hard. Yes, I've decided to be a better person. It's hard but it doesn't mean that I'll stop though.

I should try a little bit harder.

Ramblings.

Honestly, I thought about lots of things cos I can't help but to make my mind suffer by thinking too much. I am that kind of person, likes to think too much even though I know it'll make my life even more complicated. There are some things that I hope I won't give more thoughts on it such as my appearance.

Regardless if a female is skinny or those whom are in plus size, all of them are fragile about their looks and I'm DEFINITELY one of them. I am soo insecure about my looks until it reached to a level which I locked myself in my room when there were guests at home or feeling too afraid of going outside just to prevent people from seeing me. Yeah, it may sound lunatic but that happened to me. I grew up with a 'cancerous' way of thinking which I think pretty much ruined some parts of my secondary/high school life. That kind of 'thinking' made my self confidence on a very low level or I would say my level of self confidence is NONE! Magazines, telly shows and movies all patronize skinny female girls whereas the 'fat' girls are left to be the humiliation object. This 'culture' has influenced the way I think as I grew up and now I feel very disgusted of myself for having the thought that 'fat' girls can't be as beautiful as those skinny models on the mags or skinny actresses, outwardly. 

Blaming the media mass alone would be unfair. I grew up in a society that criticize and comment on almost all the flaws that are existed to mankind. Holidays or festivities, those are the times when all the 'female relatives' would sit down together to 'chat'. Everybody will be the victim of cruel comments and I remember feeling so hurt when I became their target. And I also remember the anger that I have on them, those who humiliated me in front of people. They don't feel any remorse about it and I realized that they are the one whom I should feel sorry for, not about the way I look. I feel such pity for them for having such a 'tiny' brain and just think in a straight line, never have the ability to gaze upon the beauty in all the things that God had created.

As I grew older, I got different reviews from most people that I met. All of them would say either I'm cute or any phrase that related to good looking and it made me feel surreal cos before this, people that I know would've just tell straight me in the face that I'm fat or something like that. Receiving compliments especially about my looks are extremely hard for me to handle and in fact I wouldn't believe any of it, even the compliments are from my very own friends. It's like when a friend said to me that I look cute or what, I would straight away reply back 'No la.. Manada oh.. Saya yang begini ni ko ckp cute? Buta ka?' It means ' No, I'm not.. That's nothing.. I'm in this position and you're telling me I'm cute? Are you blind?'  I never been nice to myself and I would say that I'm the worst judge when it comes to my own body. I'm grateful for the compliments but accepting or agree to them, I don't know. I'm in the process of learning to love and respect all the beauty that I never thought I possess. There's one thing that is funny though about me which is I can see the beauty in other people but when it comes to me, I absolutely can't see any sorts of beauty in me.  

I hold on to a verse from the Bible if I don't like what I see when I look into the mirror and starting to judge myself again. "Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys the temple of God, God will destroy him. God's temple is holy, and you are his temple." 1 Corinthians 3:16-17

I love this verse cos it always remind me that God is in me all the time and if I judge myself, it means that I judge God too. 

If money grow on tree..

I'm sure that each and everyone of us would want and hope for the same thing. When we saw or there is something that we really want but unfortunately it's hard for us to reach because of financial problem and the first thing that cross our mind would be "If only money grow on trees" or anything similar to that phrase.


Well today a friend of mine named Fitri was surfing the web and told another friend of mine named Zaza and I about her friend on facebook and she constantly read her blog. From my understanding, that person is rich! She has a successful career in the tender age of 22 and also married to a guy whom has a title 'syed'. While Fitri was reading out that person's blog about her life, a tiny (okay, probably more than tiny :D) sense of envy building up in me. I mean in the age of 22, she owns a lot of things and I have to confess; I too want all the things that she owns. Materialistic much?? I don't even know myself but I do want a lot of things and the things that I want, too bad I couldn't afford them. 


As a young adult (will reach 21 years old in a few days), I think it's normal to have the urge to get rich and have lots of money because  understand that all of us want more than what we own now. For those who have rich parents (no offence),  I feel that they are born lucky. They don't have to feel the hardship of not getting what they want and in fact, they get what they want easily; without breaking any sweat from getting a job. I don't have any intentions to look down on rich and spoiled brats of today, I just think that it's unfair. Life is indeed utterly unfair and for those whom are unfortunate, they have to just suck it all in when this world revolves around thoughts on how branded your stuff is, what car do you drive.


"Be grateful for what you have." That phrase is overrated! I mean, there's no way that a person would feel okay with just a shirt in the wardrobe or eating just a bowl of rice with no other side dishes. Wanting more could not escape from everyone's mind and that is why "Good, Better and Best" is created! What I'm trying to say is, it's okay to want more and some people might think that's related to greed but as long as the effort is good, no problem whatsoever!

Life and Death comes in a Package.

The title itself makes us wondering why do we live when we know that we're about to die eventually. We often hearing people said that it is the law of living; we die when the time is right. Humans are weak. Even though sometime they tend to forget how fragile they are when they have achieved great things, it makes them feel superior and untouchable where as for the fact that there is another source that is highly, mighty more powerful than these 'humans' which is God Himself. 


I confessed that these past few days, I might left out God in my life. It doesn't mean that I forget or anything, it's just that I didn't include Him in what I'm doing etc. All the thoughts that I was having makes me realize that I'm a sinner for neglecting my God. Death is in God's hands and He has the absolute power to take my life and others in just a snap of a finger. It's like a slap of the face (again) that how much we have forgotten that we do not control our life and how easy it is to end.


A couple of days ago, I went to the hospital to visit my Godmother. I didn't know that she was ill and the reason why she was admitted to the hospital at the first place. When I arrived at the female wad, I saw her from afar and all of the sudden the memories I have about her come up in my mind like a movie. It was way back, the time when I was a small kid and my family still live in Labuan. She was like a mother to me and my mom and her were best friends since high school. That's the reason why my mom chose her to be my Godmother, I guess.


I remember that she always came to my house when my mom was pregnant with my younger sister, Marsha and she was the one who took care of me when my mom was doing house chores. She would kept me company and even when my mom gave birth to my sister, she would be there to help my mom took care of me and my younger sister when my mom needed rest. She was our neighbor and that's why it was easy for her to come by. When we moved from Labuan, we still stay in touch and she would call on my birthday just to wish me happy birthday. The last words from her to me when we're about to leave the hospital was "Thanks for coming ah." and it was painful to see her to even try to speak because she was suffocating. She was using breathing support because she hardly able to breath normally. A few hours after we left, my Godmother's aunt who is also a close family friend of ours called and told us that she was admitted to ICU for  both of her kidney and liver has failed to function. The next day, we came to the hospital to visit her but we came too early so we just stayed there for a few hours and then we went back home. My parents decided to visit her again so that my Godmother won't feel lonely and at least she has someone that she really knows to be at her side. My mom managed to get into the ICU wad. I remember my mom telling me that she has a lot of hose inserted into her body. I could only imagine how she look like and I was like " It must be painful for Godma." After that, my parents went back home again and at 45 minutes past 5; my mom answered a call that brought a total silent to her. I asked my mom what's wrong and she answered me "Your Godma had passed away." At first, I was in shocked with the news but not long after that, I feel a bit relieved because I know that she won't be in pain any longer. My parents quickly change to appropriate clothes to leave the house, I wanted to go with them but they didn't let me because they need me to be at home to take care of my younger siblings.


My Godmother will be buried at her hometown, Labuan and my parents and I will definitely go there and attend her funeral to pay our last respect and to express our love and care for her. 

She had lived her life caring for others and I think it's her time to be taken care of and who else can show undying love and unconditionally care for her besides God?

I will meet you in heaven, Godma :)

Nellie Koo

1966- 2010

A good daughter, sister, friend and Godmother