I've been wanting to post about this for the longest time but I was of course concern of the possibilities that I might hurt people's feelings regarding my thoughts on this particular topic. After saving it as a draft for so long, I finally decided to post it up although I would like everybody to know that from the bottom of my heart I absolutely have no intention whatsoever to butthurt nor to hurt anyone's feelings. It is just me, pouring out what's on my mind and in all seriousness though, no offense intended. But before I go to my main point, let me share with you how I perceived beauty when I was younger and as it evolves to how I see beauty now.
1. A kid's perception on beauty
Growing up, I am always that type of girl who thinks that she is not pretty and beautiful because I have always been called 'the' chubby kid in class, 'the' chubbiest among friends, families. To sum it up, I was called 'the chubby girl' my entire childhood, adolescent even up until now. I get teased all the time by my friends and families because I was much chubbier than others and growing up in that environment was pretty hard, it has definitely affected my way of thinking and my perception of what beauty is, which someone can only be called as pretty or beautiful when the person is skinny and slim. So I had to go through childhood and my adolescent years with this sick perception of beauty, thinking that I can never be pretty like my skinny friends and families.
I am sharing with you this part of my past is not for you to feel pity of me, you see. I know how it is like not to be liked by people based on their judgement on my appearance and I'm not sorry that I was brought up in that way cos it will lead to my 2nd point.
I am sharing with you this part of my past is not for you to feel pity of me, you see. I know how it is like not to be liked by people based on their judgement on my appearance and I'm not sorry that I was brought up in that way cos it will lead to my 2nd point.
2. Puberty started to kick in
When a girl has reached her adolescent years, attempts towards looking better take place ; experiments on make-up have become constant. I remember when I first started to use eyeliner when I was probably 14 or 15, wanting to have bigger eyes was my main goal at that time (and still is today) so that boys would notice me during Sunday class, just the teenage-me eager to have a boyfriend. But of course, no boys noticed. I went to an all-girls mission school for my secondary years so there are no boys at the school at all so it was even harder for me to get a boyfriend. But, the school's neighbour is La Salle Secondary School, an all-boys school except for the form 6 students. Back then, we would always wait for our school bus at the bus stop that is in the middle of both school for our school bus so that we could check out some boys and probably with hope that guys would notice us. But yours truly over here did not get her chance of getting notice and that's because she wasn't that attractive enough. Even when I got into form 6 in La Salle too I was unfortunate. That 1 and a half years in La Salle didn't get me any boyfriend.
3. Self beauty realisation!
I started not to care about getting a boyfriend is when I graduated from form 6, I furthered my study again and this time, to a university to get my bachelors degree. I must say that my university years has taught me a lot about life and actually to get to know more about myself. There is a saying that you will find yourself as you are going through your university / college, I must say that I absolutely agree to that. I stopped thinking about wanting guys to like me and I started to like and eventually love myself. I am not shy anymore and I started to smile more for camera. I went to a lot of road trips with my course mates and having so much fun. And not long after that, a guy noticed me, we got together and are still together, going strong until now.
So going on to my main part, self realisation of beauty is so important especially for girls like us and that's because there are so many definitions of beauty, your definition might be different than mine but it doesn't mean that both definitions are wrong. It's all depends on how we see beauty in ourselves, in things, in life.
Here comes the question, do we need validation of beauty?
In some ways, we do need it when it comes to us girls cos I believe that we are a delicate species that just love to be adored and of course, to be complimented especially based on how we look. To be frank, I am too love to get compliments although I still feel weird when people complimented me. I would be very shy and responded the compliment with an awkward thanks but it does made me all giddy inside and it will totally made my day, without a doubt. There are some girls that I know that are are very strong, they don't need to hear any compliments because they know they are beautiful. I tried to imagine myself living without getting compliments, I think I could but it would be hard cos all my life I always thought that I am the ugly duckling and not until recently that I discovered my ehem beauty, but the thought is not strong yet and my sense of insecurities are still there.
There are many ways that we can get this kind of validation but I think the easiest way is by getting it from the people you love. In my case, I always ask for validation from Joel the boyfriend. Once in a blue moon I would ask him if I am actually considered as beautiful. I know the question is silly and somehow makes you want to puke when you heard a girl asking a guy that but I really did asked Joel that. I don't ask him often, only when I feel insecure about myself. On a worst day, the question would be dragged on and on until I am truly satisfied with his answer. Good God bless his heart for putting up with me, even when I was being psychotic and paranoid.
And there are also a bunch of girls, in order to get the ultimate validation of their beauty, entered beauty pageant or unduk ngadau. It's actually brave for these girls to face judgements as they are to be judged not just on their looks but also some other things like poise, knowledge. It is not easy to smile to so many people infant of you and at the same time to maintain the smile to a point where you jaw might fall of because of the cramp from smiling too long. But what bugs me is those who kept entering beauty pageant as well as unduk ngadau year by year and even some of them entered several times in the same year. I mean I get that when you entered for the first time is for the experience and all but why do you need to keep entering and competing for the same shit over and over again that entering UN at your dad's hometown isn't enough and you just have to try your luck again at you mom's hometown? Oh wait a sec, I saw your face again for other version of UN. I think they have this drive in them that they will not stop trying until they get the real deal, which is the title and the grand prize. But don't they feel that what they are doing indicate that they are so desperate of winning the title 'the fairest of them all'? What are they trying to prove anyway, does the title of Miss something or UN really validate that they are so beautiful? Confidence is essential to have in everybody but too much of it can cause so much bad than good.
What I am trying to say here is, it is good that we validate not just the beauty of things but also what lies beneath them. Beauty is not forever but a good heart and personality last eternity. I think it is vital that we give validation of beauty when we see something beautiful to us because there are times that we are too egoist to give validation to other people as I know that some people don't really give that kind of validation just because they are afraid that once they do, it meant that other people that are prettier or more beautiful than they are. I know that is strange that there are such people exist but trust me, they do walk among us.
So ladies, let us try harder to love ourselves, our flaws our weaknesses because that are among other things that made us who we are and we are so damn beautiful because of it!
au revoir,
jess
3. Self beauty realisation!
I started not to care about getting a boyfriend is when I graduated from form 6, I furthered my study again and this time, to a university to get my bachelors degree. I must say that my university years has taught me a lot about life and actually to get to know more about myself. There is a saying that you will find yourself as you are going through your university / college, I must say that I absolutely agree to that. I stopped thinking about wanting guys to like me and I started to like and eventually love myself. I am not shy anymore and I started to smile more for camera. I went to a lot of road trips with my course mates and having so much fun. And not long after that, a guy noticed me, we got together and are still together, going strong until now.
So going on to my main part, self realisation of beauty is so important especially for girls like us and that's because there are so many definitions of beauty, your definition might be different than mine but it doesn't mean that both definitions are wrong. It's all depends on how we see beauty in ourselves, in things, in life.
Here comes the question, do we need validation of beauty?
In some ways, we do need it when it comes to us girls cos I believe that we are a delicate species that just love to be adored and of course, to be complimented especially based on how we look. To be frank, I am too love to get compliments although I still feel weird when people complimented me. I would be very shy and responded the compliment with an awkward thanks but it does made me all giddy inside and it will totally made my day, without a doubt. There are some girls that I know that are are very strong, they don't need to hear any compliments because they know they are beautiful. I tried to imagine myself living without getting compliments, I think I could but it would be hard cos all my life I always thought that I am the ugly duckling and not until recently that I discovered my ehem beauty, but the thought is not strong yet and my sense of insecurities are still there.
There are many ways that we can get this kind of validation but I think the easiest way is by getting it from the people you love. In my case, I always ask for validation from Joel the boyfriend. Once in a blue moon I would ask him if I am actually considered as beautiful. I know the question is silly and somehow makes you want to puke when you heard a girl asking a guy that but I really did asked Joel that. I don't ask him often, only when I feel insecure about myself. On a worst day, the question would be dragged on and on until I am truly satisfied with his answer. Good God bless his heart for putting up with me, even when I was being psychotic and paranoid.
And there are also a bunch of girls, in order to get the ultimate validation of their beauty, entered beauty pageant or unduk ngadau. It's actually brave for these girls to face judgements as they are to be judged not just on their looks but also some other things like poise, knowledge. It is not easy to smile to so many people infant of you and at the same time to maintain the smile to a point where you jaw might fall of because of the cramp from smiling too long. But what bugs me is those who kept entering beauty pageant as well as unduk ngadau year by year and even some of them entered several times in the same year. I mean I get that when you entered for the first time is for the experience and all but why do you need to keep entering and competing for the same shit over and over again that entering UN at your dad's hometown isn't enough and you just have to try your luck again at you mom's hometown? Oh wait a sec, I saw your face again for other version of UN. I think they have this drive in them that they will not stop trying until they get the real deal, which is the title and the grand prize. But don't they feel that what they are doing indicate that they are so desperate of winning the title 'the fairest of them all'? What are they trying to prove anyway, does the title of Miss something or UN really validate that they are so beautiful? Confidence is essential to have in everybody but too much of it can cause so much bad than good.
What I am trying to say here is, it is good that we validate not just the beauty of things but also what lies beneath them. Beauty is not forever but a good heart and personality last eternity. I think it is vital that we give validation of beauty when we see something beautiful to us because there are times that we are too egoist to give validation to other people as I know that some people don't really give that kind of validation just because they are afraid that once they do, it meant that other people that are prettier or more beautiful than they are. I know that is strange that there are such people exist but trust me, they do walk among us.
So ladies, let us try harder to love ourselves, our flaws our weaknesses because that are among other things that made us who we are and we are so damn beautiful because of it!
au revoir,
jess
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