My first blog of the year will be about me, lashing out everything that I have in my heart. By the way, Happy New Year to my dear blog. Another year had passed and let's hope that I will be more diligent to update you kays?? :) Now let's get to my 'lashing' part.
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Before continue reading, please bare in mind that I'm just a human being with emotions, thoughts, point of views and flaws. In fact, lotsss of flaws. In this post, I will be lashing out my envy towards other people that I know, strangers that I meet here and there or now and then. But of course, no name mentioning so that no one will get 'butthurt' or 'terasa'.
Let's get real. Who doesn't get envy or most people say JEALOUS? I don't believe that there is one human on earth don't get jealous, like for real. As a matter of fact, I'm a very envious person. I repeat, VERY! Maybe some people think that I live a simple, uncomplicated life. Well, that's partially true but to be honest, I envy those who have interesting lives than mine. Interesting like going out every night to hang out with friends without parents wanting to know my whereabouts all the time. But having parents that don't approve of that kind of lifestyle makes it hard for me to live the life that I want. My parents are not strict or what but they tend to be a little protective of me and my younger siblings. Maybe they still think of me as still a kid and they aren't ready to let go of me and treat me as a grown woman. Sometimes, I can't help to be envious of those who have cool parents that let their kids go out almost every night or bring their children to have dinner outside. Those lucky kids have at least better lives than mine, or should I say they have a LIFE! Unlike me, staying in all day and stare on my laptop, reading other people tweet about how awesome their night are, where they went out to eat.
Women with gorgeous figure, I envy them VERYYYYY MUCHHHH too. I'm blessed that I have a good sense of style but I want to be able to wear all those pretty clothes without worrying and fretting will they fit me. I sometimes hate seeing myself in the mirror. I don't like to see those extra chunks lingering around my body. I still have those moments when I feel sorry for myself for being so 'chubby' and it depresses me even more when I go out, saw some pretty little dresses on display and knowing that I won't be able to wear them. Those who are skinny and slim but still say that they're fat, well that offends me. How can they say that they're fat if they put on 0.5 kilo even. Like seriously, with that amount of weight gain won't make any difference on how you look. If you think you're fat, what am I then? A whale? Be grateful that you are skinny and small, you fit all small size clothes. What more that you want? A size zero figure??
I also feel jealous of those who have the privileges to spend so much money to shop, travel and stuff. Some people are lucky to be born in a family that have deep pockets. They can just spend on whatever they like, owning the latest gadgets, able to travel the world, not having to sweat about financial problem. It's not like I'm poor that I can't buy stuff that I want, the problem with me is I think too much. I'm worried that I will add more burden to my parents' already- burdened shoulders. And for God's sake, I still have 2 younger siblings that still have a long way to go before graduating high school. Thinking about the expenses that my parents have to pay to raise 2 young children that are still in school kills my intention to ask money from my dad. Since my dad is the breadwinner of the family, we are relying to his income solely. Although my dad's job pays him quite a hefty amount, but there are 6 tummies to feed and not forgetting bills that need to be paid every month. I seldom ask money from my parents. When they ask me if I still have money, I'll just say yes even if I have less than RM10 in my purse. That's why I don't eat outside or hang out too much. I'll use my pocket money that were given by my parents only on things that are important. That's why I don't shop all the time. I can't wait to graduate and get a stable job, then I can spend on my own hard-earned cash.
So yeah, I'm a person with envy. It's hard not to fall into sins of wanting to have things that other people can afford to have. Yo just can't get away from it, I know I do. But I've learned to see things differently and being grateful of what I have now. As I reached adulthood and starting to have a better view on adult phase of life, I started to understand my parents' way of raising their children and I realized I can't get everything that I want. With all this evil envious side of me, it doesn't mean I hate my life. I'm in very much content of my simple life.
Dear God, please don't stop to make me good.
My rants will end now, until next post.
au revoir :)
